In the words of Adams for Maria Sharapova

Dearest Maria,

I hope you are pretty fine and as hot as I left you last time. You do not know how I have been living here without you. Every time I am dreaming of you that is when I am sleeping with my wife, working and driving. You take my breath away with those forehands and backhands, I remember the summer of 69 when you won the first Wimbledon , I know those were the best days of your life and that was first time when I saw you and fell in love with you. Oh baby, any way you are still beautiful to me and you will always be so beautiful to me.

I remember the skirts in your game, I remember everything, I remember all your moves, I remember you, yeah, I remember the guys who still Google for you. I know you would not give a damn to me because you have got Mercedes Benz and you have got a lot of pretty, pretty boys that you call fans but I still love you and please forgive me that I can’t stop loving you.

Every time I play tennis myself, I think about you and I can’t stop this thing you started, no way and I am going to your way. I always love the way you look at grand slam courts, love the way you dance with forehands and backhands, love the way you do everything but faults, your screams on my TV makes me warm inside, let’s make out, let’s play some tennis amazing, let’s do something that’s all the way cause I have never touch your body, like the way touch my wife’s body and I never wanna let your body go. So let’s play a match to remember, from January to December, let’s get new balls to excite us, big shots to ignite us, let’s make aces baby clean and clear, let’s be partners to make Noorullah jealous, all life long…

Wanna be your fan, rest of my life, never say no, try me any time twice, till my wife comes and ask me to clean the house, I am going to be your fan till I die, the one thing I am sure, I am sure gonna try, some day I will be daddy going on loving you by, wanna be your fan till I die.  You still think I am not your fan, then look in my cupboards you will see, what you mean to me, search your fan page, search your mail, and when you find me there you search no more, Don’t tell me it is not worth loving for, you can’t tell me, it is not worth dying (by wife’s hands) for, you know it is true, every shot I play, yeah I play it for you.  Take me as I am (so what I am short, I will get on chair and hug you) take my tennis gear, I would give it all, I would sacrifice.

I just wanna say, not bother what happened yesterday, It’s not my style, I live on order of my wife. So rescue me from the wife, whisper words of ‘gila’ rescue me darling rescue me.

The only that looks good on Me………………………………..IS YOU!!!

LOVE!
Billaytoot

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Posted in Humor | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Cyclone technology took my shit away!

Recently the hot debate with some friends was about the Italian WC. Because they are smaller in size, they have smaller exit hole. There is a science behind how your crap goes through that small hole. The idea is inspired by the cyclones; when you flush, the water starts moving in circle like it does in washing machine and you see your shit moving round and round waving hand, saying good bye.

WC is good, it is comfortable in size and it looks good to see your shit rolling in the pot. However after a time you realize that small hole does not work in a right way. The Italian scientist never dreamed if his technology’s end users will be Pakistanis, who have much more output than input. Because we do not eat organic we do not shit organic.

Usually, average Pakistani is patient of constipation so they hate meetings in washrooms where they have to do hard work to get the stuff out. According to some people, they feel swords coming out of them; they push and feel enormous pain. Of course when they feel like swords the material is also as strong. Neither cyclones nor hurricanes can break those swords. Sometimes those swords are eaten by WC (usually when you flush; at the end you hear a burp sound) and sometimes they are not.

The technology fails when a person, who gets swords out sits on this Italian technology because in the whole process of shitting, his shit remains constant and never goes anywhere, same as in the algebraic equation if you have something constant, it remains constant till end. One of my friends, who is victim of constipation and have Italian WC at home, faced the same accident. His sword became constant and multiple flushes did not help, so he decided, not to have flush cyclone but tsunami by rushing water from 20 liters water pot. Poor friend did not know that controlling tsunami would even be a bigger trouble and the tsunami came and his sword did not go but came outside of the commode. Yes! It remained constant till end.

The problem is not just with the number of people who has constipation but also who don’t. Most of the time, the cyclone is not generated even when flush is pushed, so to generate cyclone obviously one needs to put some bigger spoon in the pot and move it in circular motion. Most of the homes, which have such high tech WCs, end up in huge tension when they have welcomed their guests to live with them. Obviously, their swords are already stuck, the hole is blocked, and how a guest can use that WC. The problem gets bigger for those who lives in apartments because they even do not have lawn or some open air space to do the stuff with their cats and dogs. The owners are thinking to use those expensive Italian WCs in the place of computer chairs or sofas and use baby commodes in their washrooms.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Roger Federer, the greatest ever

Someone once said that if tennis was a religion, then Roger would be the god. I couldn’t agree more. This twenty nine year old man has broken almost all records in the history of tennis and has stepped towards making new histories. He has achieved the record of wining sixteen grand slams which is the most that any player has ever won; he has also set a record of playing twenty two grand slam finals.  Many sports analysts, tennis critics, former and current players consider Federer to be the greatest tennis player of all time. Pete Sampras, a tennis player, said that Federer can and will break every tennis record out there.

Federer, who is now categorized a legend, carries the highest number of ATP tournament titles. He is not just famous for winning matches but also because he plays it beautifully. The way he plays forehands, backhands, volleys and the way he moves on the court just make everyone fall in love with tennis. His playing style is well defined by Jimmy Connors, who states “in an era of specialists, you’re either a clay court specialist, a grass court specialist, a hard court specialist or you’re Roger Federer”. He is an all court and all round player with a high command on the baseline. He also plays serve and volley game and has the ability to make aces on crucial points.

What makes Federer different from other player is the variety of shots he plays in his games. He plays the right shot at the right time. His single hand backhand allows him the ability to bring variety to his backhand. He can play slice, topspin and flat backhand with various paces. He can play half volley from the baseline which enables him to play very close to the baseline and to pick up balls, even deep ones, very early after their bounces, thus giving his opponents less time to react to his shot. His fitness always helps him to be on top of the ranking. Federer always plays limited number of tournaments which keeps him safe from having injuries. His foot work is believed to be the main reason for boosting his game; he moves smoothly almost as if he is dancing and knows how to put each step in the right way. His cross court, down the line and inside out forehand shots are so tremendous that John McEnroe refers to Federer’s forehand as “the greatest shot in our sport”. Federer is believed to be like old wood or old red wine which gets better with age.  His temperament is beyond explanation, the way he handles pressure, the way he hits winners on crucial points; he is a magician with a tennis racquet. There is hardly any weakness that is left in him, though he has almost always been perfect in every aspect of the game.

Every player has a specialty, like Sampras relied on his service very much, Hewitt has a good speed and Roddick on his big forehands, but Federer has everything – big serves, big forehands and backhands. Sampras admires him saying, “I’m a fan of his game, his temperament, the way he handles himself on and off the court. I do picture myself how I would play him. Now that I’m sitting on my couch watching, I just kind of marvel at the things he’s able to do. He’s a great mover, does great things on both sides of the court, can come in when he has to, and has a pretty big first serve. He has the whole package. There’s really nothing he can’t do. I just love it. He just makes it look easy. He’s smooth, a great athlete (2007)”

Players like Federer come in decades and for sure these multicolored grand slam courts will miss this legend for years after his retirement. The class of tennis that he has defined will remain for ages. He runs a foundation by the name of Roger Federer Foundation which provides the less privileged with an opportunity to acquire education and participate in sports. I wish, he may win more and more grand slams and other ATP titles and we keep enjoying his beautiful game.

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Changing Paradigms of Education

The past generation lived their lives by the following guidelines: to land a white-collar job, one must go to school, then to a college and then to a university. One assumed that this simple pattern would ensure a prestigious, well-paying job. But does this assumption still hold? Not anymore.

The faults in current education system

The batch system was introduced after the Industrial Revolution and it was modeled on the interests of Industrialization and in the image of it.  If one observes, our education system is quite similar to the factory system: we are divided into different departments and batches; the ring bells, factory people start working in batches, products are produced in batches and so on. Before the Industrial Revolution, education was imparted to preserve the values and culture, whereas now the concept of education is totally different.

The issue with the batch system is that batches are made according to age. For example, a four year old child would be in 1st grade, five year old would be in 2nd and so on. We never pay attention to the capability of a child, in a particular subject and age. In school, different children are good in different subjects.  In the batch systems it is necessary for every five year old to be good in every subject taught in that class in order to get promoted to the next grade. Why can’t a 5th grade student who is excellent at Math but poor at English be allowed to take advanced Math courses and beginner’s English? Why aren’t students divided into classes according to capability rather than age? The current education system judges individual students through timed exams. This method judges the capability of a student to remember certain things for a certain time period in a pressured environment; it does not judge the intellectual capacity of the child or how much he has learnt. No wonder students forget everything they’ve memorized once the exam has been cleared. According to Sir Ken Robinson if you get help from your friend in school it is called cheating but if in the professional world you get help it is called collaboration.

Our education system judges the skills of an individual via countless number of exams. Children are under the pressure of exams to the extent that you hardly find them in other social activities like sports, community services, mingling with family members, etc. Just calculate the number of exams you’ve given to get the job that you have right now and then think about how much you remember of what you studied for those exams?  There are many students who are not good at written examinations but they perform better at practical tests so judging them with a written exam would not be fair. For example, many students do not qualify aptitude tests of universities not because they’re not smart or have good analytical skills but maybe because they don’t perform well under pressure.

Education changes your life style

According to Sir Ken Robinson, there are two kinds of people in this world, ones who love doing their job and the others who do not.  Those who love their job can’t imagine doing anything else in this world because that is who they are, it’s their passion. Those who do not love their job keep looking at their clocks, want their day to finish and can’t wait for weekends to begin.  Like my friend, who loves painting and gets lost in it for hours and those hours look like minutes to him. That is because painting is his passion and he loves doing it.

Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah once said that a person should do what he has capability of doing and that will benefit him and his country more than he does anything else. An interesting dialogue from a contemporary Indian film Three Idiots states something similar, that one should work  and study in a field where his interest lies rather than doing something to achieve success; if he does what he likes and enjoys doing, then he’ll be good at it and success will automatically follow. It is necessary for an individual to realize what he really wants to do, but I think we are obsessed with the concept of graduations.  We do MBAs, Engineering because of the trends in the job market, not because it is our passion. I am not against graduations, but an individual should take time to realize his gifted abilities and talent. Like Mr. Robinson says “Human communities depend upon diversity of talent, not a singular conception of ability and at hard of our challenges is to reconstitute our sense of ability and of challenges”.

Our standard education system does not let us realize and think about our passion. We are badly engaged with dozens of exams since first grade that all we are concerned about scoring better in exams. Education is not helping an individual polish his skills or enhance his creativity, in fact it does the opposite. Huge pressures of exams keep a student away from social activities like sports and mingling up with people in social environment where a student learns the most about today’s world and realize his interest. Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi, a famous tennis player from Pakistan, has achieved such high profile because his passion lied with tennis and he realized that at the right time.  I don’t mean that everyone should stop studying and start playing tennis but this standard education system needs to be changed according to the needs of the existing world: a digitalized world where we talk about creativity and diverse ideas rather than standardized processes. Our education system should not be standardized but customized according to the needs of the students which will help individuals progress more.

Our education system also needs evolution rather than revolution.  We live in a time and age, where we cannot rely on standardized concepts of life but diverse and new ideas and that will happen when we have the freedom to express our creativity and that is judged in the right direction and manner by our teachers and experts. The meaning of education has changed in our world; we obtain education more as a pressure building exercise than to acquire knowledge and enjoy the process. This system cannot be changed by an individual; the change must come at a global level.

Posted in Social Issues | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Soft fake, sold wide..

This is the place, where I had to bargain to get some space to work. They offered me few pennies for a job, I asked few more and finally they placed me in a small cabin where I had nothing but a computer machine. A lady, who was my batch mate in university was asked to teach me the basics of being a slave of the company. I never said hello to her in my four years of education because I was shy but this time we became good friends in three days. One day I thought I will go home and add her in face book friends and guess what, I had already request in my pool from her. Humbreen was a sweet person, I was comfortable to have someone to talk and she told me something that took away all my ease. Yes, she told me that I was hired to replace her, because she was leaving for higher studies.

She flew and I was left all alone in bunch of colleagues. To kill the free time, I always played excel games and was always caught by my senior who assigned me tasks. I remember, he asked me couple of weird questions in interview and I replied as weirdly as the questions were and he got satisfied and selected me. My other head was a lady, who actually knew very well ways to get work done by employees. She never ordered for any task, though she got a birthday cake and asked to do work, obviously I could not say no even when the time was over.

Daily in the morning, we were asked to do Omelet meeting where we were not served with omelets but to make each other’s omelet and complain for inadequate amount of salt and pepper in the work. My boss was almost like Big Boss in reality show. All we could do were to hear his voice from speaker and he gave us instructions no matter if we had any opinion. There were also cameras like Big Boss at the work place

After couple of months, we hired few females in our Qeema Assurance department. So we senior ones were given the authority of one junior. My junior was actually senior than me, in experience, but because it was the government of PPP, everything was fair. I complaint my senior that my junior asked so many questions and I never knew if the walls had so big ears. I don’t know from where she heard my words and questioned me that if she questions me that much. She did not come after that and I was scared that she really got upset with me, but later I found she got a job in some other sabzi mandi.

Due to success of our Qeema product we started dreaming for bigger projects. We were told that we would be supplying Qeema to all patients and doctors abroad who were the end users of our system. Since the audience became bigger, the requirements got bigger and so was our team. We hired more labor and we got a new space to shift.

Forwarding the story, I became the fake and acting head of the assurance dept and I had three females and one male in my team. I had variety of people though they were all friendly and helping.

We used to have only two washrooms at work, one was for male and other was for female. After the tea, everyone rushed there and of course the late comers had to bear the smell of first one’s action. The seat of WC in toilet was hell annoying, whenever I sat on the seat the cover fell on my back. I got an idea; I took the wiper and gave support to seat, like a bamboo supports tent in weddings. Surprisingly after this, whenever I went inside, I always found the wiper at the same position. Looked like all the male colleagues had appreciated my idea except the one, who always used female washroom. The washrooms were in such way that male’s washroom’s exhaust fan drained the air in the female washrooms and then female’s washroom’s fan exhaust outside. Thanks God, no such NGO for women rights had seen that, else they would have sued the organization for making females to smell male’s shit.

I had a vision, it was not that I wanted to become CEO of company but I wanted the company to turn all working Saturday in to Holidays. I kept discussing the importance of being with your wife on Saturdays though I never succeeded in my vision. I also argued with some psychology guy who apparently had come for team building exercise. He kept arguing that you have to be in some one’s shoe to look at his perspective and I never understood why he is always talking about dirty shoes. Poor guy spent plenty of money to experiment team building on us but no such effect of that was observed.

It was Friday that I was walking across the main road that I saw the new billboard of LUX getting fixed. I saw stunning Katrina kaif and kept thinking of her until I reached at work. I found out that one of my friends was asked to resign and there was a panic that Qeema Project had finished. There was an omelet meeting called and finally we all team members were said good bye. I never knew I will have to pay such high cost for looking at Katrina and I never knew what happened to that Qeema distribution network (qdn). We were told each business has risk and that’s all.

Although the end of a movie was pretty sad that we all friends had to say good bye but as after a good movie actors get famous, so was with us and we all got at better positions, at different sabzi mandis. Now we all know how much Qeema requires how much salt. May God bless us all!

Posted in Humor | 1 Comment

Wear Jeans, Reduce Global Warming!

Due to heavy load shedding in the country, we keep finding ways to reduce the use of energy. We use energy savers and we keep temperature of air conditions at 26. Like this, I believe there are also other ways that can help us, to reduce the need and use of energy which will result in lesser electric bills and global warming.

Like my earlier blog explained, how Indian commodes help in contributing lesser global warming, this time a new idea clicked in my mind. We are usually asked to wear formal clothes at work places as well as in schools, but what if we are asked to wear jeans instead of formal trousers? that could really save our electricity of ironing.  Jeans is a very rough cloth that does not need ironing and washing for weeks.

If employees at work are allowed to come in jeans, shorts and T-shirts, it will not only increase the productivity of a company but also save electricity, water and washing detergent. I have noticed that many of those working employees prefer wearing jeans in their off time and they feel much more comfortable in them. If they work in comfortable clothes obviously it will help them to work more efficiently and this will also save individuals from high electric bills.

We have so many different organizations working here and their dress code is formal, if all of them let their employees wear jeans, we can save enormous number of mega watts. If we can declare Saturday off to save the energy for sure we can change this tradition as well, which will not have any negative impact on productivity.

 

Posted in Opinion | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

My Published Letters


Promoting Sports

JUST as multinational companies have sports events and schools have sports tournaments, there should be sports events in a year for government servants also. Events should be organised in such a way that players qualify from district level to provincial and then to national.

At every qualifying level, participants should be awarded with prize money in order to motivate them. Events should be arranged according to grades of employees in such a way that senior officers compete with senior ones.

If such events are organised, it will not only create an interest in government servants but also in their children. This way the families will be engaged in this healthy activity.

Sports events will also help government servants to socialise with each other. When senior officers will take interest in sports, they will try to promote it where they would be posted, in small towns and cities of Pakistan. In this way, there is a possibility that local ones will get an opportunity to play sports as well.

Covering Science News

READING a newspaper is extremely depressing: there is hardly any good news to read. TV channels also seem to have become monotonous.

We should have talk shows on topics of science, technology or art, besides talk shows on political issues. Art exhibitions, sports and other spheres of cultural life are given very little airtime while political and other depressing events receive coverage for longer hours.

Although the media has boomed, it has also brought depression. It is frustrating to watch and read all the time how wretched is life all around us. I usually have a good day when I don’t watch a news channel.

Mother Tongues in Schools

TO some extent I agree with the argument that a student should be educated in his mother tongue because society around him speaks in that particular language. However, I find it wrong at the same time.

I have been struggling for 23 years to get command over my English language since I have studied science in Sindhi till Grade X. Up to Grade XII I felt at home with the system because I had to compete with the students of the same level.

However, when I started giving entry tests at universities like LUMS, IBA, FAST — where there`s no quota system — I keenly felt the deficiency in me because the test would be based on math and English. I always blamed my poor results on my knowledge of English.

While doing my bachelors, I realised that no one actually appreciated me for a while that I can read, write and understand in three different languages. I found the same experience while giving interviews for my first job. I felt the organisations think the person who can speak well in English has the best capabilities, though this is not true in every case.

I just do not blame the language only but also the different quality standards of education at different places. A person who lives in a big city gets an opportunity to have the best education, but this is not true of the person who belongs to the rural area.

Thus the person who has a better educational background he stands a better chance to pass a test for admission to a good university or to secure a job in a good institution. This way society is divided into two different classes.

The other side of the story is that students from English medium schools (high standard schools) are not able to speak fluently/comprehensively in their mother tongues. Most of them prefer speaking in English at home and with friends rather than speaking in Urdu or mother tongue.

They are thus not aware of the beauty of their language and folk music or folk stories. This again creates a communication gap between thetwo classes of society.

Toll plaza employees’ behavior

While travelling on the National Highway into Sindh’s interior, it is frustrating to see the poor management at the toll tax Plaza. I have dealt with unqualified, illiterate and ill-mannered employees who manage and collect tax from cars and trucks. I am not even sure if they are employees because they are not seen wearing a uniform that was a requirement a couple of years ago. They are not aware of NHA rules either. Recently while waiting for my turn to pay at the Moro toll tax to travel on the National Highway, I noticed the owner of the car in front of mine not paying the tax and he was allowed to proceed. When I asked as to why he was allowed to go without paying the tax, the employee replied that it was a government car. I pointed out to him that the car had a yellow number plate. He then changed his statement and said it was the car of a judge. I asked him if he knew the NHA rules, to which he did not say anything. Some ill-mannered and illiterate manager then interrupted and talked to us. He spoke so rudely that it seemed like they were extracting some kind of ‘goonda tax’. I asked him whether they followed any NHA rules.

He rudely replied that he followed his own rules and yelled at me. He gave me a chit and forced me to pay Rs20. This is not just restricted to the Moro tax plaza but all toll plazas from Hyderabad till Rohri. I have even heard from locals that some collectors have been minting money for their personal account. By the time they are about to be apprehended by the higher authorities, they run away without any punishment. I request the authorities concerned to take immediate action against toll tax collectors who are involved in this fraud.

Khairpur Gymkhana

THERE was a time when youngsters from Khairpur used to win district-level badminton tournaments. They were mostly the products of , where there were three badminton courts along with some other sports facilities. A huge crowd often gathered to witness those tournaments.

Recently the gymkhana building has been demolished to construct a brand new gymkhana, where I have heard only a single badminton court will be made. Since it’s an officers’ club no ordinary citizen — including students — will be able to showcase their talent there.

Instead of promoting sports among our youth we are doing the opposite. There would be no harm if the authorities concerned made a couple of extra badminton courts on the gymkhana premises and ordinary citizens were charged a nominal fee for using the courts.

Where are sports fields?

The government has been investing an adequate amount of fund on the building of amusement parks but has totally neglected sports facilities for the young generation.

I live in Clifton, Karachi. There are huge parks like Ibn-i-Qasim, Shaheed Benazir Bhutto and Sea View but I hardly find tennis courts, soccer fields, volleyball courts, etc., within the parks or anywhere around.

I see teenagers playing cricket, football, etc., on streets and roads. Big lawns are maintained in these parks and most of the time they are filled with ghost visitors. There is no harm if a few areas are maintained for tennis and volleyball courts and mini-football fields.

I request the government to build sporting facilities at Ibn-i-Qasim and other parks and allow youngsters to play and take advantage of the facilities. We should promote sports in the country as people who cannot join expensive clubs can enjoy sports in their respective areas.


Posted in Published Work | 4 Comments